This conversation explores the open-ended journey of spiritual awakening, embodiment, and opening to aliveness.
“What’s wrong with me that I’m turned on by… (fill in the blank with whatever turn ons you have that you’ve been taught you’re ‘not supposed to have’): rough sex, my partner’s friend, underage girls, being watched, my father, humiliation, homosexuality, my daughter, group sex, violence, my brother, choking, children, the abuse of power, my mother, cuckolding, sex with animals, spanking, snuff, my sister, transsexuality, bad boys, fear, my son, rape…)?”
I was haunted with a version of this shaming question for decades, and I’ve seen the same in so many of the people I work with. We can have the sense that there is something deeply wrong inside us, a “monster”, “whore”, or “pervert” at the heart of our sexuality.
This deep sexual shame causes us to fundamentally distrust our sexuality, our desire, and ourselves. We constrict or shut down our erotic energy, and distance from our erotic self. This, typically unconscious, defense against shame starves us of the juice of life. We fear even knowing, let alone living in our desire, because we’re sure it’s “bad”.
It often seems like there’s nobody we can talk to about our turn on because we’re sure anyone would condemn us. We often feel like we need to conceal this part of ourselves from our partners and even our most intimate friends. We may imagine that we can never be fully seen and loved because of this part of us.
Yet the truth is there is nothing wrong with our turn on ever! Arousal is just arousal, and it’s normal, nourishing, and feels good when it’s not overshadowed by the shame we’ve so often been taught. Being turned on, even by the most forbidden, taboo, or violent fantasies, doesn’t mean that we want to or will harm ourselves or anyone else in real life.
When I realized this and embraced my arousal, even from the most forbidden places, I was amazed at the amount of energy, inspiration, and enjoyment that was suddenly allowed to flow through me. I was finally able to really know and love the shadow parts of myself that I’d always been convinced deserved condemnation.
This gave me a deeper sense of clarity and trust in myself than I’d never known before. I gained such a sense of “I’ve got myself!” Not because I’m shutting myself down and inhibiting myself, but because I’m welcoming everything that I am and trusting myself to move in alignment with the whole of me. I know at my core that I don’t want to do harm or be harmed and it’s such a relief to not feel like I have to hide and guard against myself.
Since then, I’ve had the joy of facilitating similarly profound erotic awakenings in so many people who, like me, were haunted by the idea that there was something wrong with them because they’re turned on by taboo fantasies. What they and I needed to release the shame we’d been taught was the profoundly healing experience of having the shamed shadow turn-ons embraced and celebrated.
If you have a version of the “what’s wrong with me that I’m turned on by…?” shaming question I invite you to work with me, so that you can reclaim your full arousal, sexuality, and desire from shame. We’ll not only embrace and celebrate your turn on, whatever it is, we’ll also explore ways that you can fully enjoy it without harming yourself or others.
By giving ourselves full permission to entertain even the most forbidden fantasies we can fully enjoy all the delicious flavors of feeling in unique cocktails created to suit our particular erotic palate. We can delight in the vast and subtle universe of erotic enjoyment that is so often restricted or shut down by shame.
I offer experiential erotic embodiment coaching globally in-person and online. I also offer an experiential deep dive into the juice of your turn ons with personal retreats – (sex coach Veronica Funess, my partner, co-facilitates with me when this is helpful).
By Adam Chacksfield, January 2024
This is a recording of an interview I did with Walter Driscoll that was broadcast live on “Chatting Nonduality”.
This conversation explores nonduality, embodiment, intimacy, sexuality, transforming relational conflict, healing shame, and many other topics.
This exchange between Adam Chacksfield and a participant was recorded live during Adam’s “Erotic Embodiment & Intimacy” gathering hosted by Open Circle Center in Sep 2022. This video addresses our freedom to live our desire in our sexuality and our relationships, regardless of what the shaming culture and spiritual ideologies have taught us.
This video is a recording of the online gathering hosted by Open Circle Center on Sep 17, 2022. It addresses the value of following the truth of your own direct experience in erotic expression and intimate relationships. And questions the authority of mainstream approaches and spiritual ideologies about how we should approach sex and intimate relationships.
Joy Kendra wrote the following description of an erotic embodiment & intimacy private session she received:
After years of crippling anxiety and shame about failed performance, I am drawn to book a session with a non-dual teacher I have worked with before. Adam is hard to describe as he doesn’t talk about whatever state he has achieved, and has written no books telling others how to get there. But I always experience his energy as profoundly inclusive, coming from a Oneness that is expansive and non-judgmental. There is no lecture, no discourse – but in his Being he gives a deep permission for whatever is arising.
When we meet, he gives me the choice of the chair or the couch. Instinctively I sit down on the latter. It’s not a huge couch, but there is room for two. Unbeknownst to me, we are about to get physically close.
I knew Adam does what he calls “erotic embodiment” work, but I’m not really sure what that means. The closest I have come is via a video on his website (watch here). A female participant in his course has fallen in love with her sexuality beyond her vagina and she embodies the “Juice of Life.” Her joy is captivating – I know I want that!
Adam and I have some verbal exchanges where he gently challenges my beliefs (And what is wrong with anxiety?). Then he asks if I’d like to be held. Not many men have touched me in my life, but I have no hesitation. This isn’t sexual in the usual male-female way.
I curl into his body, noticing a smell that is both earthy and male. Tears come as I allow myself to be mothered. His stroking of my head feels especially comforting. I appreciate that he checks in to make sure I am comfortable. We change positions so I am lying with my back to the front of his body. As the energy builds, I stroke my body, especially my stomach and groin area.
I share an old memory. Adam sees my ability to resist the invasive energy of my parents as a strength. This had never occurred to me! He also assures me that the shell of my tortoise self will be there whenever I need it. I become more and more in my animal body, luxuriating in the pleasure of moving to these ancient rhythms.
I get up and move more freely. Adam makes gentle sounds to match my own. There is a harmony and synchronicity even though we are no longer touching. In the end, I simply sit, full of wonder. I’ve never meditated this deeply. Even though I know there is no right or wrong meditation, this experience feels sublimely right.
Beyond words, I tell Adam when he asks. Expanded. No comings and goings. No goal, no destination.
And anxiety? No doubt she will arise again, but hopefully more as a friend. For now, I am content to walk home, burying my nose in every flower like a bee. I’m not sure how I managed to surrender to this session with Adam, but I don’t question it.
That night in the Dreamtime I am driving again, although in real life macular degeneration has meant forfeiting this activity. I have two vehicles but purchase another, a used truck, white in color. Someone parked next to my truck dents my door with their door. We exchange insurance information in a relaxed manner. Vehicles often are a dream symbol for the body. It’s a simple dream, but one that points to a wholeness beyond “dents”, to a new harmony close at hand.
Adam Chacksfield explains how we can use moments of conflict in our relationships to create deeper intimacy and connection, rather than blaming, defending, and arguing. This video was recorded live during the Erotic Embodiment & Intimacy course.
In this meditation Adam Chacksfield guides you to deeply explore the truth of your experience, which is so intimately connected with your desire, inspiration and aliveness. This meditation was recorded live during Adam’s Erotic Embodiment & Intimacy course.
This video was recorded live inside Adam Chacksfield’s Erotic Embodiment & Course. Gaya, a course participant, shares about her transformation during the course.
In this video Adam Chacksfield and Chesaray explore shame. For so many of us largely unconscious shame patterns in our bodies and minds block our life energy and prevent us from living fully. Sharing our shame in loving company and welcoming the intensity of the feelings are potent ways to heal shame. This can free us from the sense that there’s something wrong with us and the urge to isolate that so often accompanies it.
In this guided meditation Adam Chacksfield supports us in opening to the direct experience of our erotic energy in the body.
This interview of nondual teacher Adam Chacksfield by Susan Hill was originally part of the “Who Are You Really?” summit.
Adam and Chesaray discuss the use of dyad practice for integration and awakening, something they’ve been regularly practicing with each other and other partners for many years. Adam also teaches versions of the dyad practice in his Falling Open Together Group, his Erotic Embodiment & Intimacy Course, & his Falling Open Course.
Nothing Interviews… Adam Chacksfield Full Nonduality Interview w. host Luchana Uzunova
Adam Chacksfield and Alice Redetti explore the realm of intimate relationships, and invite us to tune in to the living truth in our relating beyond our shame and fear conditioning.